11/103 Purity

"Your real, new self (which is Christ's and also yours, and yours just because it is His) will not come as long as you are looking for it. It will come when you are looking for Him. Does that sound strange? The same principle holds, you know, for more everyday matters. Even in social life, you will never make a good impression on other people until you stop thinking about what sort of impression you are making. Even in literature and art, no man who bothers about originality will ever be original whereas if you simply try to tell the truth (without caring twopence how often it has been told before) you will, nine times out of ten, become original without ever having noticed it. The principle runs through all life from top to bottom, Give up yourself, and you will find your real self. Lose your life and you will save it. Submit to death, death of your ambitions and favourite wishes every day and death of your whole body in the end submit with every fibre of your being, and you will find eternal life. Keep back nothing. Nothing that you have not given away will be really yours. Nothing in you that has not died will ever be raised from the dead. Look for yourself, and you will find in the long run only hatred, loneliness, despair, rage, ruin, and decay. But look for Christ and you will find Him, and with Him everything else thrown in.” 
― C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

13:35 PM
How long-was the question? Is this gonna be forever? Why are things the way it is?

18:00 PM
How subconsciously I had fell into?
I then realised, Romans 8:28 becomes so real in my life. He works all things beautiful for those who love Him. 
It grips my heart, telling me what to do. Its messes, causes me to be dyfunction. Slowly showing the true self of one's heart. Its awful, ugly and sour. Became unattractive in the eyes of many, because fruits does not bear forth. It creates unnecessary dreadful events, The one thing that caused- Self

18:09 PM
Dear God, will You take this life? Its ugly to stand before self and take control of everything. Its never-ending, fearful, and heartrending. I want to stand before Your presence, saying that I m sorry, forgive me if I had took Your place for so so long. I needed Your guidance, needed more of Your grace and strength to sustain me. There's no one else that would love me as much as You do. Keep my heart pure and real- tender before You before I ask for another in my prayer, Amen.